Cameron: Well, the local elections could hardly have gone any worse.
Clegg: Don’t you believe it. The Lib Dems were just about wiped out.
Cameron: But no one cares about you lot any more.
Farage: Anyone fancy a pint?
Cameron: Please allow me to buy you two, Mr Farago.
Farage: Don’t mind if you do, squire!
Cameron: When I gave the impression I agreed with Ken Clarke that Ukip were a load of buffoons, what I was really saying was that you are a leader of huge intelligence in charge of a party that is in touch with the key issues of the day.
Farage: Too right, old boy. I’ve done a lot of talking to the man in the pub and I can tell you exactly what he wants.
Cameron: What’s that?
Farage: To be allowed to smoke as many fags as possible in public without some Brussels Johnny locking him up in chokey.
Cameron: That’s extraordinarily perceptive of you, Mr Farago. I will immediately drop my anti-smoking legislation from the Queen’s speech.
Farage: That’s a bloody good start.
Cameron: Any thoughts on the economy?
Farage: Your man Osborne is a complete fool.
Cameron: I know that already. Anything else?
Farage: Thing about the economy, David, is that it’s bloody, bloody difficult to manage and you don’t want to let any old idiot in charge of it. Which is why I’ve decided it’s far better to have no economic policy whatsoever. Or any other policy, except leaving the EU.
Cameron: So what do you suggest?
Farage: Simple. If you and Osborne bugger off and the Tory party lurches even further to the right, then I’ll pack it all in and stay in the pub.
Nigel Lawson: That’s a very good idea. I like the sound of your first name. What we need is a party with enough sense and decency to deny climate change.
Everyone: There, there Nigel. Back to beddies for you.
Lawson: But I’m important. I matter. I really do …
Everyone: Where were we?
Cameron: My government is about to announce a huge programme of economic and welfare reforms in the Queens’ speech that aims to lift one child out of four into poverty.
Everyone: Do you mean out of poverty?
Cameron: No. I’ve checked with the IFS. It’s definitely into poverty.